I was on a beach searching frantically. People were in a rush. I kept adding for you. Most ignored me. Some took the time to remind me to evacuate. There was a volcano about to erupt. I needed to find you. But you were gone.
I woke up missing you. I thought I had l let you go. 29 months later, I still dream about losing you. You are my greatest loss. As soon as I think it hurts less… And I go a day or two without thinking about you… My dreams remind me. I wish I could change the past.
I never felt regret about anything in my live until now.
E:”You don’t want kids.”
M:”I don’t understand why you think that. I never said I don’t want kids. In fact, we’ve talked about this and I told you I have always wanted to be a mother.”
E:”Well yeah, but I’ve bern thinking about it and I want to foster but you don’t.”
M:”You’re right. I don’t want to deal with behaviors at work all day and then go home to the same issues at home. I won’t have the patience for doing that 24/7 for the rest of my life. But that isn’t the same as not wanting kids.”
E:”But when you didn’t want to go out last week, I was excited about it. But you didn’t want to go out in the cold. It made me think you don’t have the energy to be a parent.”
M:”One day. One day it was 17 degrees out before the sun set and you wanted me to put a dress on and go out like that! So one day I didn’t want to go out and you say I don’t have the energy. When was the last time you danced all night at a comp weekend until 8 am? What about the last time we went rollerskating with friends? Who was the last person out there – skating for hours? You didn’t skate at all. But I’m the one you judge, saying I don’t have energy.”
E:”I don’t want to argue with you. I jist think we have different long term goals. I get excited about things. I love spending time with my family and I get excited. You not wanting to go to that restaurant made me realize we don’t want the same things.”
M:”Well that can’t be true. You have never once even attempted to make me a paet of your life. You have never once invited me to hang out with your family or friends. You say you’re excited about that and this is the first time you have doubted. But that can’t be true.
E: “That’s a fair accusation.”
M:”You have been lying to me for a while -saying you’re going to donate a kidney to your sister. But that isn’t true. You haven’t made any effort to hang out or contact me for 3 weeks. But yet you are slinging accusations that don’t even make sense. I truly don’t even know what to say. Unbelievable.”
E:”I want you to know that you’re a wonderful person. I care about you a lot. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
E:”Well I will gove you the time you need but I hope we can be friends when you’re ready.”
M:”Are we done, yet?”
E:”Uh. I guess so.”
Temps were below zero today. Being a teacher, I got to stay home – safe inside. Woke up to frost on the inside of my windows. Went out to feed the birds, though. The NOT efficient furnace the rental agenct purchased a few years ago since the old one was poisoning me ran almost all day never heating the house above 63. I tried turning it off to give it a break, but in 20 minutes, thr house dropped to 58. Spent my day under blankets with a warm pair of fingerless gloves on so I could knit. The kitties preferred to cuddle under the blankets today too. I wrote 2 IEPs yesterday and one today. I think my brain is land locked into technical writing. I don’t feel any surge of creativity or subjective phrasing tonight. But I did mmake a goal to increase my daild word count – so alas! Now something has been written
Due to life’s adventures and current mode of down, I need to increase my written word count.
In a previous life, I did some ghost writing. I need to find such a gig again – get paid for words – because I need a way to make money in my time when I have time.
Words and time. They really are opposites when you think about it. Time is a finite item barely tangible. Words are infinite and timeless. Write the correct combination of words and they will literally be read by millions across time. But oddly enough, one must stash away the correct allotment of time in order to string together a correct combination of words that will become timeless. So words and time are opposites ultimately dependent on each other.
This year has been rough. I know you may bee thinking it just stated, but I run on a different calendar than you. It is 296 days long. I still have 116 days left. A lot can happen in 116 days. Work is a mess, but at the same time I’m in a good spot right now. However, I msy be eligible to apply for sabatacle. I wouldn’t consider it but I’m in another dead end relationship with a man who is lying to me and who puts me last on his list. Right now, running away on a mission trip to a foreign country sounds like a good escape. I may not have children to worry about but I have 2 cats, one with diabetes, who would need to be loved while I’m away. Who am I kidding? Just dreaming an impossible dream right now.
It’s another year gone. Can’t believe I’m half way to 70. Nothing to show for it. I’m struggling today. It’s hard to look at my life, know all I didn’t have and see all I haven’t accomplished. I’m stuck without a way to make change. I can’t keep living this life without any purpose. No family. Just work to pay bills. I don’t know what else I can do.
I’m definitely ready for 2018 to be in the past. It wasn’t super bad, but the weight of each bad thing is very heavy. There was good, such as dance competition weekends that include dancing all night long, growing friendships, and meeting the man I’m dating. I made some very poor job/financial decisions… Which means I’m starting 2019 officially unemployed. Not great, but better than the alternative. I hope to bring all life lessons with me into 2019 and all future years so these mistakes are never repeated.