Another Year

It’s another year gone. Can’t believe I’m half way to 70. Nothing to show for it. I’m struggling today. It’s hard to look at my life, know all I didn’t have and see all I haven’t accomplished. I’m stuck without a way to make change. I can’t keep living this life without any purpose. No family. Just work to pay bills. I don’t know what else I can do.


HELLO 2019

I’m definitely ready for 2018 to be in the past. It wasn’t super bad, but the weight of each bad thing is very heavy. There was good, such as dance competition weekends that include dancing all night long, growing friendships, and meeting the man I’m dating. I made some very poor job/financial decisions… Which means I’m starting 2019 officially unemployed. Not great, but better than the alternative. I hope to bring all life lessons with me into 2019 and all future years so these mistakes are never repeated.

how did i get HERE?

Unemployed 8 days from today.  Can’t sign a contract in my field because my license is currently tied up by the employer that has given me a letter saying my last day is December 20th.

No spouse to carry me through, or shoulder a little extra burden if I pick up a job making significantly less.

No family to move in with if I lose my home because I can’t pay the bills.  Fortunately, I also don’t have any kids who will feel the consequences of my poor choices in 2018.  But I do have 2 kitties I don’t want to lose over this situation.

I’m searching for other employment.  But it seems nobody reads my resume, or cover letters… because they don’t contact me for an interview.  Or maybe I’m just over-qualified for some of the positions I apply for.  I don’t know.

But I’m feeling the weight of a breaking pressure.  I need something to happen.  I can’t survive without a job.  I know I’m being dramatic, but I really, really, really don’t want to turn into a forgotten homeless person living alone in her car because I don’t have a job or family.

Just a Dream

Sometimes I think you were just a dream. The lingering emotions were just projected from stories in books and movies.

But today I had to look through old pictures and I found photos of us together. How could something so special have been so wrong?

Missing you has changed. The pain is different. I don’t think I can quite put it into words, yet.

$400,000 Memtality

Today I got told I’m noy good enough to teach because I don’t live in a $400,0000 home.

Okay… Okay… I’m exaggerating. It went more like, “I live in a $400,000 home and my son deserves better than you!”

Wow! A rant about changes. In all honesty, the program doubled in size. Things cannot be done the same way as they were in the past. Change must happen and that includes your kid.

Go ahead. Threaten me with the school board. They can’t terminate my contract due to your complaint. There are legal rights and procedures they muat go through. But I can’t imagine fighting for this job for any reason other than needing a paycheck. Seriously?!? You think I want to teach children who are being raised to believe they have white privilege?!?

I’ll head back to the inner city where I don’t have an office, I don’t have text books, parents seem not to care, I teach out of 3 different classrooms, can’t find a phone to make confidential calls or find a space for a parent meeting, and each class is made up of diverse, well-earned opinions. There isn’t a single parent or student who would make such an ignorant statement.

I wish my preivous AP were there when they told me they are going to turn me into a puppet – script what I do. He would have laughed, said, “Good luck…” and launched into a 20 minute explanation of my personality, the rationales why it won’t work, and explained how to make me productive.

You see, the kay to making me the most productive member of your large staff isn’t $400,000. It is simply to keep me challenged, but not by piling on everybody else’s jobs. Just challenge me and I will produce.

But the serious reality is that I truly don’t belong in such an environment. I wish I could say I don’t believe I’m better than her. But I am l because I don’t believe I’m entitled to judge others because I have more money. The monetary value of your home is directly proportional to your skewed view of the world you live in.

2 years

He left 2 years ago yesterday. I purposefully ignored it and didn’t say or do anything. He left me broken. I’ve never really recovered from the loss. He damaged me in another way. He took my hope; my confidence.

I thought about a new person recently. Reached out to him and brought him into my group of friends. I was kinda hoping he might ask me out. But I know bye won’t. He’s smart. Has a degree and a good job.

The only person like that who ever showed an interest in me told me he would never choose me.

Then he moved thousands of miles away. I didn’t even know if he was okay after the hurricanes.

I’m not really sure why smart men don’t have any interest in me. But I do know that has been an ugly fact of my life.

I’m truly ready to let that past go. Move on. Not worry about that 2 year date. But I can’t find any evidence of hope that any decent person would ever love me.

Rough day? I win.

Wanted: home for orange monster

Reason: Being an idiot.

Just kidding. I’m pretty sure that cat can’t do anything to make me get rid of him. But sometimes he makes me consider it. Like when he is sitting up high, decides to chase his tail… Knocks something over… Scares the crap out of himself and bails… Landing claws out on my face and scalp.

There’s nothing quite like a day of screaming, thrown chairs, overturned desks, crying, antagonizing, and walk-outs ending with claws to the head. Literally the best irony ever. My whole day felt like I was being clawed in the head.

The 2-year date is fast approaching. I think about it in these few moments before sleep and in the dark of the morning before I get out of bed to face the day.
Clearly my days – work hours and outside of work hours – are filled with thoughts about how to modify intense behaviors. If I can teach to all those scenarios, then why can’t I modify my own behavior to that of a desirable woman? I’m still trying to figure out whatis wrong with me.