Just a Dream

Sometimes I think you were just a dream. The lingering emotions were just projected from stories in books and movies.

But today I had to look through old pictures and I found photos of us together. How could something so special have been so wrong?

Missing you has changed. The pain is different. I don’t think I can quite put it into words, yet.


$400,000 Memtality

Today I got told I’m noy good enough to teach because I don’t live in a $400,0000 home.

Okay… Okay… I’m exaggerating. It went more like, “I live in a $400,000 home and my son deserves better than you!”

Wow! A rant about changes. In all honesty, the program doubled in size. Things cannot be done the same way as they were in the past. Change must happen and that includes your kid.

Go ahead. Threaten me with the school board. They can’t terminate my contract due to your complaint. There are legal rights and procedures they muat go through. But I can’t imagine fighting for this job for any reason other than needing a paycheck. Seriously?!? You think I want to teach children who are being raised to believe they have white privilege?!?

I’ll head back to the inner city where I don’t have an office, I don’t have text books, parents seem not to care, I teach out of 3 different classrooms, can’t find a phone to make confidential calls or find a space for a parent meeting, and each class is made up of diverse, well-earned opinions. There isn’t a single parent or student who would make such an ignorant statement.

I wish my preivous AP were there when they told me they are going to turn me into a puppet – script what I do. He would have laughed, said, “Good luck…” and launched into a 20 minute explanation of my personality, the rationales why it won’t work, and explained how to make me productive.

You see, the kay to making me the most productive member of your large staff isn’t $400,000. It is simply to keep me challenged, but not by piling on everybody else’s jobs. Just challenge me and I will produce.

But the serious reality is that I truly don’t belong in such an environment. I wish I could say I don’t believe I’m better than her. But I am l because I don’t believe I’m entitled to judge others because I have more money. The monetary value of your home is directly proportional to your skewed view of the world you live in.

2 years

He left 2 years ago yesterday. I purposefully ignored it and didn’t say or do anything. He left me broken. I’ve never really recovered from the loss. He damaged me in another way. He took my hope; my confidence.

I thought about a new person recently. Reached out to him and brought him into my group of friends. I was kinda hoping he might ask me out. But I know bye won’t. He’s smart. Has a degree and a good job.

The only person like that who ever showed an interest in me told me he would never choose me.

Then he moved thousands of miles away. I didn’t even know if he was okay after the hurricanes.

I’m not really sure why smart men don’t have any interest in me. But I do know that has been an ugly fact of my life.

I’m truly ready to let that past go. Move on. Not worry about that 2 year date. But I can’t find any evidence of hope that any decent person would ever love me.

Rough day? I win.

Wanted: home for orange monster

Reason: Being an idiot.

Just kidding. I’m pretty sure that cat can’t do anything to make me get rid of him. But sometimes he makes me consider it. Like when he is sitting up high, decides to chase his tail… Knocks something over… Scares the crap out of himself and bails… Landing claws out on my face and scalp.

There’s nothing quite like a day of screaming, thrown chairs, overturned desks, crying, antagonizing, and walk-outs ending with claws to the head. Literally the best irony ever. My whole day felt like I was being clawed in the head.

The 2-year date is fast approaching. I think about it in these few moments before sleep and in the dark of the morning before I get out of bed to face the day.
Clearly my days – work hours and outside of work hours – are filled with thoughts about how to modify intense behaviors. If I can teach to all those scenarios, then why can’t I modify my own behavior to that of a desirable woman? I’m still trying to figure out whatis wrong with me.

Friends and BBQ

I remember a time when I was afraid to go to dance. I couldn’t get there on a regular basis due to social anxiety and not knowing anyone. But today, after the first days of students, these people were exactly what I needed. Friends. They’re now just friends. I can go just to be around them. No need of small talk. These are people I can go anywhere with. I cam travel with them and stay in a hotel room with them. More importantly, after a long week, these are people I can just be comfortable being around. I’m grateful for them all.

Drowning Again

I feel like I fell oit of the boat and I’m drowning in shallow water. All I need to do is put my feet down and stand up.

Problem is, when I put put ferry down, I tend to rock the boat and throw everyone else off balance.

There has to be a tactful way; third option that saves me without putting others at risk. It’s harder to think up a third option when I’m drowning… Fighting for life.

Summer’s End

My mind is ablaze! I can hear the chorus of crickets and frogs outside my house, but it’s not currently enough to distract my ADD thought processes.

I started my new job today. I haven’t been very public with thr fact that I left my own position. Today was a strange experience. At least 2 other people from my previous district were hired by my new one… The bith aproached me saying, “I know you.”

Those moments arw thoroughly ego-boosting and all-explaining. Ego-boosting because I made a memorable impact training other teachers. All-explaining because my previous district took advantage of my skills and work ethic without ever giving me hope of advancement – therefore qhen a new district offered me a position, I jumped on it.

I’m a comparrison person and a detail watcher. “We did it this was in my old place.” I don’t do it to offend or tl be difficult. I do it because it helps me solidify and remember changes I have to make. It’s amazing how many people are offended by comparisons. Thimpdistricts a bad thing. In fact, they’re actually a big part of the Marzano Education Growth Model.

August 1st brings the end of my summer and this year, a new adventure. I’m excited and intrigued by most if the differences I am encountering. I am terrified of the changes.

I also can’t stop thinking about the 2 year anniversary of someone I loved leaving. Apparently it still impacts me. Labor day weekend is just over a month away and yet I am already consumed by the pain of the end to that chapter.

It’s also a Westie Fest Comp weekend. I havr no idea how to balance Westie Fest and a new job in the samd 4 days… But I will. It’s always a great first impression – showing up to work totally exhausted because you got 15 hours of sleep scattered across 4 days. I’ll just explain myself away and ask them to suspend their first impressions. Sometimes honesty and appearing knowledgeable are the first impression despite falling asleep at your desk – AHEM! – chair.

This year I have a desk with a chair in an office. Last year I started my fifth year inthe district without a room, no desk, no chair. Yet somehow I presented dkstrict PD to 100+ people, participated in master scheduling, was selected as a member of a business focus group, sat on the Late, Loitering, Skipping Comittee, participated in the credit recovery desogn3 committee, mentored 2 new teachers….

Am I missing anything besides my regular 7-3 job responsibilities? This school year should be a breeze compared to that. So why does the end of summer bring so Mich anxiety?