Lost Confidence

Had to talk to a teacher leaderabout a student today.  Conversation led to a hotline call.  There’s a specific term for the emotional toll a teacher, counselor, caretaker, etc. pays in this kind of situation.  It escapes me now.  

Today’s experience cut into my self confidence.  I’ve applied for a bigge job as a leader.  I truly felt ready.  But after today’s emotional toll, I’m missing my gung-ho, battle ready confidence.  

Maybe it’s just coincidence.  There are bound to be days of doubt amd days of second-guessing.  Maybe today is just the first.

Possibly the self-doubt is a reflection of the argument/miscommunication I had with my mom.  If I can’t communicate with my own mom, then do I really know how to communicate as a leader? 

I applied for a second, less leader-like job.  Found out on our apllication system I can’t upload a job-specific cover letter for each position I apply for.  If I can’t target a position I’m interested in, how do I sell myself with confidence?  Thus is the world where technology should help us, but in some instances it is also the caise of our biggest failures.  (Highest depression rate in teens ever.  Lowest incidence of teens hanging out with freinds outisde of school.  Technology being called “social” and “smart.”  coincidence?  Definitely not, but this is a rabit hole for another place.)

If I have fears and doubts, how do I convince others I am the person for the job?  


Question Answered

I found him.  My brain finally kicked into gear.  I knew there was a resource all along, but I was so caught up in the emotion of it.  I know for sure.  I said I’d let it go once I knew.  

Breathe in the memory… Deep and slow.

Breathe out the pain and regret.

Let it go.  The shreds of hope are no more real than the faulty dreams attached to this image by the ingenuous photographer.
Breathe in.  Breathe out.

Life Struggles

Sometimes I try to check in and watch updates about Puerto Rico.  It makes me nauseous.  I need to try to get there on a volunteer trip when I get out of work.  It seems to be more difficult than I thought it would.  Work has gotten in my way all these months, but in summer, I’m free.

I get frustrated because I’m having trouble with the agency getting my rent check, because I want a new job, etc.  But there are still people without homes, without electricity, and barely enough food to surviv because of a hurricane 5 months ago.  I need to put my own issues into perspective.  


I finally have my plotline for the novel I want to write.  I’ve been thinking about it for years.  That’s an understatement.  It actually stems from a story I started writing in high school, but stopped because it wasn’t fully developed.  I was stuck on the how.  Over the last few weeks, it’s been unraveling in my head.  Thwn this evening, as I knitted and some plotless movie played on the TV, my gaps were filled in.  Don’t worry.  I wrote notes so I won’t forget.  Now I’m ready to start.  It kinda feels like a weight lifted.  I wrote one piece tonight, but I’ll officially start tomorrow.

Rough draft

What if I wrote

The words

I wish to say to you?

Would you recognize them as my truth?

But you see,

 I came tonight fearing rejection.

I know it’s unlikely 

A man like you 

-educated, kind, and passionate-

Would be interested in dating someone like me

I … I… I mean, historically

It’s a man of different quality

who would pursue a woman like me.

Yet in spite of history

I came in effort to gain your attention

Wondering what’s wrong.

I wish I could ask and you could answer.  Why is it that educated men with degrees and good jobs have no interest in me?

There was one.  Once.  I loved him.  But when he got someone else pregnant, it broke my heart and I drove a distance between us   couldn’t be repaired.  That distance grew like cancer.

But besides him, educated men don’t want me.  They typically won’t even ask me out, but those dumb enough to attempt a date or two are always blunt enough to say it, “You’re a nice girl and I have fun hanging out with you, but I don’t feel a connection.  You’re not what I’m looking for.”

I wish I knew why.  Maybe if I knew, it wouldn’t bother me so much.  Maybe if I knew, I coupe change into a better person. Or maybe if I knew, I’d start to dislike me, too, and therefore the truth must always be hidden.  

Part of Me

Part of me has been waiting…

Waiting for you to show up at my door or be there when I get somewhere.

I would throw my arms around you, gripping tight.  Tears would flow down my face as I asked if you were real.

Damn.  They well in my eyes Judah thinking about the idea.

Part of me knows…

Knows you’re not coming back. I’ll never see you again.  

I know you sent me that message.  The love in the dream.  Telekinesis.  If people knew, they’d say I’m finally going mad… Succumbed to the insanity gene habored in my body.  But you wouldn’t. You have the same empath abilities.  You have told me so.

I can’t figure out if you were accidentally reaching out – a memory so real I tapped into it.  If you reached out on purpose, misssing the love we had.

Or worse.  If that was your fleeting energy as your soul left this Earth the moment you died.  A weight in my stomach passes.a.wave of nausea through my body each time I remember this dream.

Part of me is ready…

Ready to love again.  It will never be the same.  No love can be the same as what we had.  But that’s okay.  I don’t really want it to be.  I want what we had to be specially unique.

But I can hope for a similar excitement on my bones.  I can hope for a connection from my heart.  I can hope for someone who understands me and accepts me for who I am.  

You’re the only one who ever did.  Maybe it’s the empath in us that allowed us to connect.

Par of me prays…

Prays for your safety and well-being every day.

Although it doesn’t really matter.  Because if you died, no amount of prayer will change that.  Maybe I’m being punished – will spend the rest of my life wondering. 

Part of me wants…

Wants to forget the live we shared.

Part of me hilds on…

Holds on because even if it wasn’t real, our love was the best gift I ever received.