Communication

The workshop was titled, “Communication,” but this wasn’t about the kind of communication you do with your mouth. The first main point the instructors made was, “Look at your partner.” There were a couple humorous demonstrations to drive the point home. Ultimately, how do you communicate what you body is doing if you aren’t seeing your partner? Well yes. That makes a lot of sense. So why is eye contact so hard?

At any rate, I made the effort, being sure to look at each partner, yet somehow trying to find a balance that didn’t make me feel like I was in a kindergarten staring contest. Then I stepped down the line to him. The instructor said, “Connect to your partner.” I held out my hand and looked into his eyes. My stomach fluttered. I wanted to look away, but couldn’t. I felt pulled toward him like a magnet that couldn’t resist. Then it was over as quickly as it began. I was grateful to step away from him.

I connected to each partner in our group without any similar inclination until I returned to him. I questioned this notion, this idea, comprehending woth full recognition it was forbidden. He is just one of many partners I had and would encounter over the weekend.

He didn’t come to dinner, but he was on my mind. Later, he asked me to dance… Not once, but many times. He’d ask and lead me to the floor. Connecting… through multiple points. A connection that reached into me and touched my heart. Butterflies fluttered. My skin tingled. I came in too close on our push break. I struggled to look away.

I began a dangerous addiction, craving his connection… His touch. His eye contact. I continue to wonder how one-sided this connection is while my mind and body crave more.

I know the reality. I know this can’t be. It won’t happen. I know the truth.

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I heard the song, “Every Little Thing,” for the first time. Goaah it’s true. I can’t believe how long it has been… And yet how often I remember him, think of him, or wish for that kind of love. He truly stole my heartm. Dragged it off to Puerto Rico. The odds of that… My heart in the location I love most in this world with a man who couldn’t be with me… Well apparently those odds were 100%. Just seems like irony. By the way… Haven’t felt an earthquake since he left, either.

Spring Break

Spring Break has started. Though it doesn’t much feel like spring.

A house is going on the market that my real esate agent thinks is prefect for me. The driveway is a hill and the garage is barely big enough to fit one car in. So how would I change my oil? Do my brakes? The window in the family room doesn’t open. Not that it doesn’t work. It’s juat glass with no moving parts. And I’m not sure where the cay bixes would go.

Otherwise, it’s the perfect house. Fireplace. Basement. Attic fan. Dining room. Even a closet in the living room for coats and shoes!

But how do I know? I mean really know it’s a good house? It’s just me. I don’t have a husband or a brother to ask. So how do I know… Whether it’s this house or another… How do I know I’m not buying something that has big problems I’ll need to fix in an immediate future?

Self-troubled

So many nightmares this past week. Fear and anxiety haunting me. Self-doubt or self-hate…

Ah- it doesn’t really matter. Point being I’m suffering a low filled with loneliness, regret and fear.

I’ve done quite a bit of mental word processing; digging deep into the past to search for a way to right myself. But it always turns up the same. Words are harsh… Always trying myself I’m not good enough.

I need to accept my current state of life and all the consequences. I need to find a way to move forward, changing my situation.

But I don’t see the road… I don’t have hope. Now I’m just avoiding sleep and nightmares.

Struggles

My year starts in August and runs through May.  How many things can go wrong in a 9 month period?

I started a new job… it was WAY bad…

Got super sick and it lasted forever.  But fortunately I think I have overcome whatever weirdness that was.

My cat developed diabetes.

and so I started another new job.

But because of the way days and pay works out, I am currently taking home $410 less per month that I was.

Had a boyfriend, but he broke up with me for reasons/things that aren’t even remotely try about me.  I have no idea if that relationship was just that bad and we had the worst communication ever, or if he was just unhappy for some reason and decided to make up lies.  Either way, it made my self-esteem falter and made me question myself.  Hope for my future has definitely waned.

Haven’t worked a full week since December because snow and ice… snow and ice… ice and snow…

3 people I know – not people I’m super close with, but people who positively impacted my life – have passed away from cancer since January.

I lost – like WAY lost – my wallet.

My rear calipers on my car seized.  But thankfully, I have the greatest best friend in the world.  She and her husband decided I could borrow their extra vehicle until we got mine fixed because snow and ice… arctic blast… ice and snow… snow and ice…

I was 2 blocks from a restaurant where I was meeting friends tonight when BAM!  Car accident… in friends’ vehicle.  The vehicle is most likely totaled.  I got a ticket.  I can’t even pay it.  It’s the type where I have to go to court.  Last car accident I was driving in, I was 17.  I have 18 years of driving without an accident.  But that doesn’t matter.  I’m looking at a lot of potential damage to my life, mostly financial, but the kind of financial that will mess up all my other plans…. the things that were going right.  I can’t get my part-time second job back because I have to be home to give my cat insulin.  Working back to back jobs doesn’t allow for that.

How did I mess up my life so bad?

Not Forgotten

I was on a beach searching frantically. People were in a rush. I kept adding for you. Most ignored me. Some took the time to remind me to evacuate. There was a volcano about to erupt. I needed to find you. But you were gone.

I woke up missing you. I thought I had l let you go. 29 months later, I still dream about losing you. You are my greatest loss. As soon as I think it hurts less… And I go a day or two without thinking about you… My dreams remind me. I wish I could change the past.

I never felt regret about anything in my live until now.