I am less than nothing. I have nothing more to give. I’m not sure where I found the strength to get out of bed today and access this computer because yesterday, I couldn’t.
I built a friendship. Or so I thought I did. We talked every day and hung out at least once per week, if not more. I started to trust him. I thought he wanted me. I thought there was love. How could I have been so wrong?
I spent 2 months quarantined and then gone. I stayed with my family 8 hours away by car while my Grandma passed away. Grandma was my best friend. Grandma was the one person… the only person who was there every day my entire life. I could call her. I could show up on her doorstep. She loved me. She talked to me. She played games with me. She taught me things. She helped me, even when I didn’t ask for help. I never asked anyone for money. But when I was uncertain about taking this job. I had to make a decision fast because I was 5 days away from my move-out date. No job. Plans to move back home and in with my mother. I cried to her, stressed to the max. Moving to a new city was a big decision. She said, “Take the job. If you don’t like it, home will still be there. But you’ll also be closer to me.” She then deposited $2000 into my bank account. When I asked why, “Because you’ll need to make a down payment on an apartment.” I could have made ends meet, but she wanted to support me in every way she could. She was only 4 hours away from my new home, which only strengthened an already close relationship. I visited often. Often enough that I had regular volunteer responsibilities at her church. When I was younger and my mother didn’t speak to me, my Grandma did. Grandma was the reason I eventually called my mom and attempted to rebuild a relationship. Grandma loved me unconditionally when nobody else did. She told people I was more of a daughter to her than a granddaughter. Then, I wasn’t even there. I was at my mother’s house an hour away. My uncle called and said she was gone. The only person I leaned on my entire life was just gone.
During those 2 months, I talked to him every day. He kept telling me to spend the time with my family that I needed to. I felt like he supported me. When I came home, he was there. We spent a lot of time together. Talked every day even when we didn’t see each other. I felt like he cared about me. But I was wrong. Apparently there was a 6 month timer set. I didn’t know about the timer. All he wanted from me was a baby. On Saturday night he told me that I was not pregnant and therefore he didn’t want me. I asked him why. He said, “It’s too hard.” I didn’t understand. I still don’t. He said that every month when I wasn’t pregnant, it was too hard to deal with. I said that fertility isn’t an issue in the 21st century. There are a lot of things that can be done and a lot of ways to go about having a baby. He isn’t interested. He determined I’m not worth the effort.
I don’t understand how he could pick me out. He could decide that he wanted me to be the mother of his child, but at the same time, I’m not worth loving. I’m not worth being in a relationship with. I asked. I said that I thought things were good. We weren’t fighting. Things didn’t seem weird or awkward. Just, one day, seemingly out of nowhere, he decided to tell me I’m not worth it.
I am the only common denominator of all the failed relationships. I am not wanted. I am less than nothing. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.
But I can’t really find anything worth living for. I have a mom, and uncle, and one best friend. No brothers. No sisters. No cousins. I have an abusive job that I absolutely hate. I’m not good enough for them, either. The only reason I have the job is 2-fold. First, it’s a rather hard to fill position. Second, I have a union that makes it impossible to fire me without cause.
In a couple weeks, I will show up on the first day and have to kick the roaches off the student-style desk I sit at. You know – the one with the chair attached to the arm. I’ll have to remember to bring water and I’ll cringe when I was my hands in the brown water that comes from the sinks in the bathroom. Then I’ll go to the first, worthless meeting where they make you stand in a line by how many years you have been in the profession. About 10 people will be in that line with more years than my 15. Even most of the “leaders” will stand somewhere lower than I do. Then we’ll have the meeting and talk about how to do the job I’ve been doing for 15 years. It will be geared towards people who have been working 1-2 years.
At some point, they’ll expect me to go to some other meeting “led” by a person who was hired in April. Who in the first 3 weeks of her job, impersonated me to a parent and scheduled not 1, but 2 meetings that she did not communicate with the rest of the team and then blew off. She scheduled meetings with a parent of a student on my caseload, did not tell me or the LEA and nobody, not even she, showed up to meet with the parent. But that’s not all. She also started to create a legal document in my name. Literally opened it up in my name. When I questioned it, she basically said, “I’m in charge. Deal with it.” She is a person who commits fraud, but I have to pretend like she is a leader. She also made a completely inaccurate statement. She told my team that it is a law to have outside agencies in IEP meetings. So wrong. First, an IEP is confidential and by law, we are not allowed to invite outside agencies. A parent can. We can’t. Second, the specific agencies she referred to do not serve kids until they reach the age of 16. Why would I want an agency that won’t even accept an application for a 14-year-old in a confidential meeting for a kid they won’t serve? Even without difficult people being employed there, the job is a place of abuse. When I give a simple instruction such as, “Put your mask up, please.” I am met with curse words and name calling. It doesn’t matter if I do my job, because when I do, I am met with hate and disrespect.
But that’s all beside the point. In the absence of leadership, I ran the department in my building. I did all the things. I had a master’s degree. I had experience. I had relationships with the members of my team. I was therefore a natural leader. The Director would not interview me for the job. I was good enough to do the job when no one else was there. While I did it, I continued to do my own, regular job. No extra pay. No extra time off. No incentives. I just did it all to the best of my ability. Since I wasn’t qualified, I started another master’s degree. When the third director in one year’s time came on, I had emailed her to express interest and inquire about the position. She, too, refused to interview me. She hired a woman without experience who lacked leadership skills. A woman who created problems instead of fixing them. I asked my principal for a change. He said I could move to a new position. A lateral move. No leadership responsibilities. In fact, it would even pay about $1,500 less. But I need change. I need to do something. But he called – after the legal date to resign – to tell me the request was denied by the district. He said I could not change positions.
Here I am. 2 master’s degrees. 15 years’ experience in a dead end job that has no growth opportunity and no chance of lateral change. 96 job applications for January and only 1 interview for a per diem job that I didn’t apply for and can’t take because I have a mortgage and bills to pay. About 36 hours ago, my boyfriend dumped me because I’m not worth loving. In about 2 weeks I will have to go to a job where I will be met with hateful words on a daily basis. I will then come home to 2 sleepy cats and dead quiet. Nobody will want to talk to me. Nobody will ask how my day was. Nobody will care if I go lay in my bed and don’t cook dinner.
Nobody would notice if I were gone. If I died right now, I’m not convinced anyone would find my body. I am the perfect victim for human trafficking or a serial killer. It would be at least days, if not weeks, before anyone realized I was missing. Even if someone did realize I were missing, I’m don’t think anyone would do anything about it. I have no value. I make no contributions. I’m not worth fighting for. I am less than nothing.