A lot of reminders this week.  Things popping up that remind me of my love affair.  Can’t believe it has been 2 years.  I suppose I will always wonder what happened.  I pray he is alive.  I can’t even imagine what luge is like where he is.  But it hurts less to imagine survival mode than the alternative.  I’ve had a secret wish once or twice that you’d be waiting for me at my door when I got home from work.  But then I realize you have family and other options. 

I’m preparing to let go.  I don’t typically hold on so long.  But you were different.  I loved in a way I never had before… And in a way I imagine I never will again.  Heartbreaking really.  Exept my heart already broke…. So it can’t get much worse.

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0548 Saturday Morning

548 am.

The bus chases its shadow down the highway.  But the sun has failed to rise and in the darkness I am unsure what light source casts the shadow. We race; neck and neck down the highway at 65 miles per hour, slower than the 75 mph posted speed limit.  100 years ago people couldn’t imagine travelimg at 65 mph.  Yetby today’s standard, such velocity is considered slow.    The road stretches ahead of us with twin pairs of tail lights moving further ahead like the taunting red eyes of a bully who always beats you to thr front of the line. These modern vehicles stare at you from the rear end with tail lights of all shapes and sizes – like jack-o-lantern eyes.  Back when I was a kid, they were all plain rectangles. 

How did we get here? 2017 on a dying planet.  It lashes out at us with hurricanes, wildfires, and earthquakes – trying to preserve itself.  Maybe if we didn’t have such a greedy need for speed… Maybe we would have made more conscientious choices in the best interests of the only planet we have. Maybe if we advanced our communication before our speed, we would have prevented the oil companies from killing the electric car.  Maybe then our planet wouldn’t be fighting back against us because we are trying to kill it.

There isn’t enough wine in the world to drown the emotional pain of losing you.

Sometimes I feel like you were a phantom of my emotional desires… Just a figment of my imagination projected upon reality.

The tears soaking my pillow and the photos I found are evidence of love lost.

SOCS Nov. 4, 2017

I know now it must truly be love.  It has been 14 months since he left.  I have seen every fear I had about the relationship come to reality.  Is it ased on a self-fulfilling profesy?  I saw the future and therefore cut the relationship short?  The future already knew what my reaction would be once I saw it and therefore showed me the path that would unfold based on this very minute.  

What if there was a different option? I would have taken it in a heartbeat.  

Almost all communication has been cut off to the area he is supposed to be in.  

Last night I dreamed he was standing at my doorstep with 3 children.  

I wish these feelings could be cut as easily as flipping the light switch, but it turns out real feelings still hurt 14 months later.  I tell myself I’d be fine if I could just see him and the kids and know they are okay.  But that’s a lie.  Only part of me would be fine.  The other part would still miss him.  

I suppose this will be a question I wonder for the rest of my life.  Did they survive?  Is everyone alright?  I’m one of those who emotionally clings, having been empathically impacted by all those who got anywhere near my heart.  I can’t cut off those emotions… They linger.  I tend to wish they didn’t.

Alone Again Naturally

All too often, I find myself alone.  It seems like everyone I talk to is too busy with things I’m not invited to to hang out with me.  Facebook is full of people doing things I was never invited to.  

I’m not sure how I got to be this person.  I don’t know how I ended up here.  But I’d really like to change my life now.

Emotionally torn…

My emotional structureis degraded.  Rusted tbrough and filled with more holes than swiss cheese.

I hate my lack of progress in life.  No husband.  No kids.  No opportunity for a promotion at work.  Stuck.

I am being eaten – like ants on a piece of candy – by the news streaming from Puerto Rico.  At first, I couldn’t stop watchin…grasping for hope.  Now I can’t stand to hear.  Dredging up my failure and my helplessnes… My stomach churns bile into my throat.  Selfish thoughts.  He and the kids should be here with me, living safely.  But they’re stranded on an island covered in water, potentially dying of dehydration and starvation.  My heart breaks.  I have no way to help.  No money to send.  Not that it would matter.  Money doesn’t matter in a shattered world.  No way to contact them.  No way to bring them here.  No knowledge of their fate.

A girl I work with didn’t show up and didn’t call in.  They sent someone to her house to check on her.  Thankfully they did.  She’s receiving treatment in the hospital now.  That could be me.  Don’t know exactly yhe symptoms or what is wrong at the moment.  But she is diagnosed with lupus.  I watch her struggles.  I see and recognize her difficulties.  I never got into the habit of posting about my own heatlth.   I was diagnosed with lupus.  This woman recommended her doctor to me.  I saw him and worked with him on a treatment plan for 3 years before I was declared in remission in April this year.  I feel guilty she is so sick while I am healthy.  I feel fear that at any moment I could relapse and travel down the same road she has been on.  I feel terrified of becoming sick and dying alone.  I feel concern for her well-being.  It is no fun to experience illness and pain because your body attacks itself.  I fear the reality of the horrible disease eating away at her. 

Yet I am incredibly eternally grateful for my current health. 

I’m losing my Grandmother.  She is the only person who has been there 100% of the time my entire life.  She is aging and can no longer live alone due to poor eyesight.  She says she’s going to live with with my aunt and uncle.  They tried to secretly commit her to a nursing home earlier this year.  They visit eve couple of days… Unless other family is there.  The impression is they will take her, lock hey in a bedroom in their house, and never let me see her again.  Over the years they have told her horrible things like, “You’re too old to volunteer.  You’re too old to drive.  You can’t go to exercise class anymore.”  They also told my mom they want the doctor to give her a pill so that she doesn’t ever disagree with them and she only does whatever they tell her to do.  She has lived over 91 years and aged gracefully.  I can’t stand the thought of drugging her, locking her up, and pushing her into the grave.  She deserves so much more.  Not to mention, I have a serious concern with drugging people in general.  The whole idea makes me want to put them in straight jackets and have them locked away in an asylum.  The whole situation fosters a frustrational-anger emotion I can’t describe because I have never felt it before this.

I have no control over any of this.  I wish I could drink a magic tonic that would dissolve these harsh emotions.