Kitty Convos

Amy:  Dude.  That’s the lid.  You’re supposed to lay in it, not on it.20170219_183825-1

 

Rory:  Woo-hoo!  Look at me!20170219_184154-1

 

Amy:  Not like that.20170219_185937-1

Amy:  Like this, dumbass.20170219_172200-1

 

Rory:  I’m not a dumbass, you meany-head!20170219_172257-1

 

Rory:  I’ll kill your box and all its flappy parts, too!screenshot_2017-02-19-19-31-23-1

Consumed

My job is consuming me alive.   Sometimes taking care of other people’s children is overwhelming in the extreme sense.

I have one kid engaged in actions that causes him to have unpredictable outbursts.

Another kid who is being evaluated is emotionally unstable and even though he expresses it more internally and through somaticization, he is still emotionally draining me as I try to gather information.

One ran away.

There’s another I’ve been trying to get consent to evaluate, however that one has now been placed in protective custody with all siblings.

Another experienced the death of her father this week.

One being hunted down by the health department.

One needs glasses but the family can’t afford it.

The rest are just themselves – disorganized, slow to process, inclined to outbursts, in need of help with assignments, skipping classes, or flat out refusing to come to school.

I’m just overwhelmed and crabby this week.  Internalizing.  It’s sometimes hard to see all these things going on with kids I have put so much time and effort into, but I can’t do anything.  I can’t do anything to help.  My ability to control all situations is non-existent.

Bell just rang.  I can go shop so I can feed the team tomorrow.  Then I’m going home to make friends with a bottle of wine.

Timeline

We put together a standard timeline today outlining the beginning.  We met on Xanga in 2005. We met in person when he returned from deployment numero dos in 2008.  First picture together is on my facebook 2009. Third deployment ended in 2011.  I moved to the same state as him in 2011… Same metro area in 2013. In 2014 I ended everything and walked away.  In 2015 (over a year later), we started to become friends. In 2016 I told him I’m leaving – going home.  In 2017, he said he has to do everything in his power not to lose me.

Ummmm… Help?

The sun is staying out just a little bit later; drawn out just enough to change the appearance of the day like a curvy tail on the letter “y.”  But the cold hangs in the air like coat made of tiny teeth biting through your jeans.  As much as I’d like to walk in the sunlight, those tiny teeth are currently too much for me.  For the first time in nine days I have a little bit of energy.  Picked up a wonderful parasite called Strep.  He totally knocked me down and kicked me in the head.  Even after antibiotics, I still didn’t feel great.  Maybe he brought an unannounced friend along for the ride.

Speaking of unannounced… A group text went out from a friend saying, “I’m planning to give away some rings.  What is your ring size?”  I took a picture of the ring I wear (from my mom) and said, “This size.”  I really don’t know what size it is.  I never needed to.  But I got a response that said, “Take a picture of it next to a penny so I can try to guess.”

Does that seem off to anybody else?  You know that gut feeling?  It’s cloudy… so I should bring a jacket or an umbrella.  Tickle in throat… grrrr, I’m sick.  Person at work quits job… I had a feeling that was coming.  Those gut feelings?

I’m having one now.  That feeling.  If I’m right, then this is an awkward situation.  A guy I’m not currently in a relationship with… a guy I’ve never technically called boyfriend may be planning to ask me that big question that comes with a ring.  The story really is a lot more complicated than that.  But it was his sister who sent the text.  He did tell me he loves me for the first time ever.  He did say he has to do everything in his power to keep me.

Six years ago all I wanted was to be with him.  Four years ago all I wanted was to be with him.  But honestly, we would have crashed and burned.  Now, we’ve been talking for four months about what would happen if we dated.  The word “marriage” was loosely thrown out there sometime in the last week while I was sick.  Today the ring question.

I’m just saying.  I’M FREAKED OUT A BIT!  I’m not sure who I can talk to about this.  The people I would call are… well… in the group text about the ring.  If this is what is happening, they all know.  So here I am… typing… processing… I am fairly certain the only appropriate answer is “yes.”  I really don’t know how everything will work out.  But if we both jump in wanting it to, then it’s about damn time.  13 years since we first said hello.

Maybe I’m just stringing together random occurrences that I want to be linked together.  Some people say there are no coincidences.  But may this time it is.  I really don’t know.

Did I mention he asked me to go to dinner on Valentine’s Day and I said no (because it’s Valentine’s Day)… so we’re going the day after on the 15th.  He asked that yesterday… and then said he made a reservation.  But I don’t know where.

 

Birthday, False Weather, and Life Crises

Open two gifts:  vanilla beans and ice pegs for my boots.  Baked myself a birthday cake, although no one will help me eat it.  I even did some laundry (that isn’t folded and put away, yet), and knitted.

I’ve learned New Year’s Day comes even if you aren’t awake to celebrate it… and birthday’s follow suit.  They show up even when you don’t have a care in the world to notice them.  It’s quite depressing, really.

I’ve been alive for 33 years.  No kids.  No husband.  No boyfriend, even.  I rent a house.  I take care of other people’s children 7 days a week as a teacher, a coach and a church youth leader.  Thus I supposed I may be slightly depressed.  I hate my life.  I hate my job. I hate today.

To be fair, I had a “friend” who wanted to take me to the local art museum.  I didn’t want to go.  I blamed the non-existent ice storm.  He was even willing to take off work today in order to spend it with me.  Why?  Because he has ulterior motives.  He seems to want me as a girlfriend.  But I don’t want to be out in partially iced roads on a date with him on my birthday.  I guess I’d rather spend it alone.

But why?!?  That’s so sweet he’d take off work to spend your birthday with you!  You should feel pretty special.  But I don’t.  I feel uncomfortable and frustrated.  This is a man I tried to date not once or twice but 3 or 4 times.  It was horrible.  We had a terrible fling.  About 3 years ago I gave up on him.  I accepted his reasoning and forgave him enough that after a year of not talking or interacting, we managed to find a friendship.

This week he asked me, “What was it that attracted you to me before?  And are those feelings still there?  You don’t have to answer now, just think about it.”

Well… honestly… nothing.  I don’t have an answer.  I guess it was all the wrong things.  Nothing more than a physical attraction.  I don’t understand why I wasted so many years on something that was never even remotely positive for me.

I may be in a one-third life crisis.  I started taking classes last summer – which were inappropriate for where I’m at in life.  I’m not enrolled in an on-line graduate certificate program, which started Monday.  I decided in September that I’m quitting my job this year.  I will not return to my job in August.  I have a heavy feeling that I won’t have another job.  But I refuse to get stuck as a teacher for the rest of my life.  There is NOTHING good about being a teacher.  I have an opportunity to move somewhere – away from here – for cheap rent.  Why would I even consider getting involved in a relationship with a guy who never wanted me in the past?

I don’t believe in this magical love thing that shows up on TV and in movies.  It doesn’t exit.  There is absolutely no way I believe I’d suddenly have these amazing “in love” feelings with this guy and he’d return them.  They definitely won’t magically appear and develop before I move away in June.

I don’t really have any hope.  I’m fairly certain I will not get married or have children.  Love doesn’t seem to be real.  I can’t understand why other people commit their lives to someone else… or how.  How do you give up who you are and what you want to live with someone else?  Seems worthless and just as depressing as my lonely life is.  Either way, I don’t have to live a life as a teacher.  That, I can quit.  I might end up working retail for $8.50 an hour… but at least I won’t have to be a teacher.

Book Plug

English teacher assigned the sophomores this book.  Never heard of it.  After 10 years of teaching, it’s rare for a teacher to assign a book I don’t have experience with.  There quickly became a need for me to read it in order to be capable pf helping the students.  So I picked it up on Tuesday during their class and started reading.  After the first 5 chapters, I wasn’t sure what I was getting into.  Now that I’ve finished the story, I really appreciate the beginning of the book.  I wish I knew about this book when I taught in a self-contained class.  I would have loved to teach this book. My boys would have loved it.  Anyways, it’s an easy read.  If you haven’t read it, I recommend it.  It is deep and layered.  There are so many ideas to ponder and discuss!

I know you won’t believe me.  It’s pretty crazy stuff.  When you’re raised to believe in God, to know magic is fiction, and taught that love portrayed in books and movies can never exist in this world… Well, then what I’m about about to tell you makes me seem like a looney-toon.   I never experienced love until I met you.  I never believed in it.  I’d say I still don’t.  Love may not hold enough power to allow two people who love each other to be together, but it apparently holds enough power to disrupt the forces of nature. When you leave me, earthquakes shake the world.