Nature’s Cadence

The car beeeeeeeps a high-pitched, yet quiet protest.  I silently scold myself for not being able to lock the door correctly.  I probably shouldn’t have driven home, but the bottle of wine I started drinking is safely standing upright in my bag.  At least I didn’t finish it before I decided to drive home.  I pause as I walk toward the house, listening to the crickets’ cadence.   For the first time, I realize all those sounds can’t be crickets.  There are too many different pitches and variations of rhythm.  It’s really more of nature’s band playing.  I honestly haven’t listened in while.  I go to bed too early and then there’s that window A/C unit that has been necessary in this excessive heat warning.  But honestly, I can’t remember the last time I stumbled home this late at night.   It’s 11:34 pm.  I lift the wine bottle from my purse and pour until the bottle is empty.  On one hand, I’m thankful to be alone.  On the other, I hate that I’m here, drinking a bottle dry without anyone to share it with.  The hardest thing to recognize is that I’d rather be here, drinking alone than with company that judges me.  I’m not an alcoholic by any means.  I’m not concerned about someone chastising me for drinking once a week.  I’m concerned about being analyzed… my pauses in conversations, the clothes I’m wearing, the way I danced with person A versus person B… I question whether I can handle being with someone.  I question sharing a life with a partner.  My mind wanders to the past… the person I was comfortable with.  It must be possible on my part.  But why is it that nobody shares that feeling for me?  I dig my phone from my bag.  Scroll through my contacts.  There’s his name.  I press delete… then confirm it by touching “OK.”  I haven’t been able to do that sober, but there’s enough wine flowing through my blood to make it possible.  Symbolically, I hope it frees me.  However, I don’t believe in such types of symbolism.  I am confident his number has changed since then anyways.  I know he… and that feeling are lost to me.  I don’t believe in anything like soul mates.  So I question why?  Why is it that I can’t feel the same about the guy I’m dating now?  Ultimately it doesn’t matter.  I’ve been distracted by nature’s band calling cadence outside.  It must be time for bed.

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