As per usual, I generally seem to hit this thing a day late on Sundays. In the summer I have no excuses… I just didn’t get around to it yesterday. Oh – I did homework and I attended a 3 hour West Coast workshop and then I danced for another 3.5 hours. Now, I was sitting here thinking and I thought it would be nice to just write so I look up this:
**Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “book title.” Take the title of the book you’re currently reading or the one sitting closest to you when you’re ready to write your SoCS post and base your post on the title only. I’m not asking for a book review or a synopsis, just whatever the title itself brings to mind.**
Girl on a Train. I’m finally around to reading it. A few years ago it was all the rage – everybody told me to read it. I suppose I’m only getting around to it now because it literally jumped off the shelf at me in the thrift store on the day books were on sale for $0.50. I couldn’t pass it up.
The title feels like my life. I feel like my life is a train that won’t stop. It’s a train – so it doesn’t turn. It doesn’t seem to have any brakes. I’m just here for the ride. I HATE my job. I have filled out at well over 50, maybe even 100, job applications this year. Not one interview. Each day the sun sinks toward the horizon and the cicadas hum, forcing the horrible truth that I will have to return to a hellish world in a few weeks. It almost makes me sick to my stomach thinking about trudging in there before the sun rises every day to babysit during work hours and do my work outside of the 8 hour day.
My relationship is taking a long fall down the trash shoot. But I don’t feel sick over that… just my job makes me hateful and irritable. I can remember driving over the river on that giant highway bridge and feeling excitement to see this man that is currently my boyfriend. I was always super excited to see him and spend time with him. Now I’m stuck on this horrible train ride where he is the obnoxious passenger next to me. I remember the moment that excitement all went away. It was a bit more than 3 years ago. I apparently did something to make him mad, and so the logical course of action was for him to completely ignore me for weeks and of course throw up a few Facebook posts that made me feel targeted. Fortunately, there was a Facebook advertisement for some online dating website. I decided I must be single since all my phone calls, text messages, and in person accounts were completely ignored and I’d click on it and explore out of curiosity. I made a super basic profile and started looking at what kinds of guys were on that site. I couldn’t even tell you the name of the site, but I didn’t really trust it. Anyone can lie online. That thing immediately gave me “matches.” When I clicked on on a profile, the website would give a percentage for how good of a match we were. There it was. He had a profile on that website that had been there for months. Instant nausea. The website said we were like a 78% match. He had been looking for someone else all along… all that time. I realized how unwanted I was. I deleted my new online profile right that moment. I made plans to get away – visit my mom when the school year ended.
Somehow a guy I went to high school with took me on a date while I was on that visit. It was a whole day event. We were leaving the Field Museum in Chicago… he was driving in a bit of traffic. I looked out the window at the people in the cars passing by, noticed those walking on the sidewalk toward unknown destinations. I gazed up the skyscrapers and had a realization. This is what dating could be like. I was having so much fun! I was comfortable. He was nice to me, not judging me. I returned to my newest home remembering my experiences.
That other guy continued to ignore me for a few weeks. Then I got a text that said we needed to talk and if I wanted to salvage this relationship I’d make it a priority to talk to him as soon as possible. I didn’t want to salvage anything.
After months of tying he managed to convince me to date him again. Yeah. I made that decision. Right now I feel stuck. Stuck on this train of life. Stuck in a job I hate. Stuck in a relationship I’m not proud of. I guess I’m afraid to leave the relationship because he says he wants me. In 33 years, I’ve never found anyone else who really wanted me. But I don’t believe he really wants me. He wants this love story he has built up in his head. He’s clinging to it like he clings to everything else in life. He is trying to change me… force me to melt into his mold. The harder he tries, the more I feel the need to run.
I feel guilty for that. I feel like I should want this. I feel like the world is telling me that it gave me the person I always wanted and I should be thankful. But I’m not. I’m not happy in this situation. I would really like to be in a relationship, get married, have kids. But not like this. I’m not happy. I don’t want to waste my time attempting to force myself into his mold.
But what if there isn’t anyone else out there for me? Do I have to spend my life alone? Maybe it’s better to be alone that betray myself to become his thing – his creation.