Open two gifts: vanilla beans and ice pegs for my boots. Baked myself a birthday cake, although no one will help me eat it. I even did some laundry (that isn’t folded and put away, yet), and knitted.
I’ve learned New Year’s Day comes even if you aren’t awake to celebrate it… and birthday’s follow suit. They show up even when you don’t have a care in the world to notice them. It’s quite depressing, really.
I’ve been alive for 33 years. No kids. No husband. No boyfriend, even. I rent a house. I take care of other people’s children 7 days a week as a teacher, a coach and a church youth leader. Thus I supposed I may be slightly depressed. I hate my life. I hate my job. I hate today.
To be fair, I had a “friend” who wanted to take me to the local art museum. I didn’t want to go. I blamed the non-existent ice storm. He was even willing to take off work today in order to spend it with me. Why? Because he has ulterior motives. He seems to want me as a girlfriend. But I don’t want to be out in partially iced roads on a date with him on my birthday. I guess I’d rather spend it alone.
But why?!? That’s so sweet he’d take off work to spend your birthday with you! You should feel pretty special. But I don’t. I feel uncomfortable and frustrated. This is a man I tried to date not once or twice but 3 or 4 times. It was horrible. We had a terrible fling. About 3 years ago I gave up on him. I accepted his reasoning and forgave him enough that after a year of not talking or interacting, we managed to find a friendship.
This week he asked me, “What was it that attracted you to me before? And are those feelings still there? You don’t have to answer now, just think about it.”
Well… honestly… nothing. I don’t have an answer. I guess it was all the wrong things. Nothing more than a physical attraction. I don’t understand why I wasted so many years on something that was never even remotely positive for me.
I may be in a one-third life crisis. I started taking classes last summer – which were inappropriate for where I’m at in life. I’m not enrolled in an on-line graduate certificate program, which started Monday. I decided in September that I’m quitting my job this year. I will not return to my job in August. I have a heavy feeling that I won’t have another job. But I refuse to get stuck as a teacher for the rest of my life. There is NOTHING good about being a teacher. I have an opportunity to move somewhere – away from here – for cheap rent. Why would I even consider getting involved in a relationship with a guy who never wanted me in the past?
I don’t believe in this magical love thing that shows up on TV and in movies. It doesn’t exit. There is absolutely no way I believe I’d suddenly have these amazing “in love” feelings with this guy and he’d return them. They definitely won’t magically appear and develop before I move away in June.
I don’t really have any hope. I’m fairly certain I will not get married or have children. Love doesn’t seem to be real. I can’t understand why other people commit their lives to someone else… or how. How do you give up who you are and what you want to live with someone else? Seems worthless and just as depressing as my lonely life is. Either way, I don’t have to live a life as a teacher. That, I can quit. I might end up working retail for $8.50 an hour… but at least I won’t have to be a teacher.