I’m NOT Stuck

It’s 2000.  I finally have the excuse to muster up the motivation to move from the couch so I can go to bed.  Sleep holds off the devastating effect of loneliness for those few hours every night.  I’m already dreading morning.  I’m thankful to have a class and a part time job for the summer.  Those 16 hours of week may be the difference between survival and insanity.  I’ve been hating my job with a passion fierce enough to motivate me to take out student loans for a third degree.  But in reality, my job gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  It gives me a reason to leave the house every day.  It’s over for the time being, which is good for the simple reason of every day since some time in February has added a layer of hatred.  But it’s bad to have nothing.  No one to talk to.  Nowhere to go.

Not that I talk to anyone there about anything that isn’t work related.  I have really begun to resent them and hate them for forming relationships that didn’t include me.  I’m not sure why people in this city don’t like me.  It’s not like I have zero friends.  But they all have kids… and so I’m often left out of plans an invitations on account of I don’t fit in.  These are all signs I should pack up and leave this city.

So now that I’ve gotten out some things I’m bummed about….

Despite my depression and hatred for all aspects of my life… I have really focused on changing things since spring break in March:

  1. I have been exercising regularly.
  2. I have resumed horseback riding.
  3. I started swing dancing.
  4. I made the decision to return to school.
  5. I got a part time job for the summer.
  6. I actually ran a 5K (which is HUGE for me due to undisclosed info)!

I am determined to find a life I can accept living.  Monday and Tuesday have been a bust.  But there are things I can do tomorrow.  I can be busier and more active.  I am going to bed now determined tomorrow will be a better day.  I will NOT be stuck in this depressive funk that won over both Monday and Tuesday.  I will wake up ready to accomplish and do.  I am going to bed with the intention of waking up motivated and happier.


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