It’s 2000. I finally have the excuse to muster up the motivation to move from the couch so I can go to bed. Sleep holds off the devastating effect of loneliness for those few hours every night. I’m already dreading morning. I’m thankful to have a class and a part time job for the summer. Those 16 hours of week may be the difference between survival and insanity. I’ve been hating my job with a passion fierce enough to motivate me to take out student loans for a third degree. But in reality, my job gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It gives me a reason to leave the house every day. It’s over for the time being, which is good for the simple reason of every day since some time in February has added a layer of hatred. But it’s bad to have nothing. No one to talk to. Nowhere to go.
Not that I talk to anyone there about anything that isn’t work related. I have really begun to resent them and hate them for forming relationships that didn’t include me. I’m not sure why people in this city don’t like me. It’s not like I have zero friends. But they all have kids… and so I’m often left out of plans an invitations on account of I don’t fit in. These are all signs I should pack up and leave this city.
So now that I’ve gotten out some things I’m bummed about….
Despite my depression and hatred for all aspects of my life… I have really focused on changing things since spring break in March:
- I have been exercising regularly.
- I have resumed horseback riding.
- I started swing dancing.
- I made the decision to return to school.
- I got a part time job for the summer.
- I actually ran a 5K (which is HUGE for me due to undisclosed info)!
I am determined to find a life I can accept living. Monday and Tuesday have been a bust. But there are things I can do tomorrow. I can be busier and more active. I am going to bed now determined tomorrow will be a better day. I will NOT be stuck in this depressive funk that won over both Monday and Tuesday. I will wake up ready to accomplish and do. I am going to bed with the intention of waking up motivated and happier.