The endless sea of brown, mowed over cornstalks is broken by random tree lines and barns. The endless gray sky stretches toward the brown horizon. This drive reminds me of one reason I wanted to leave Illinois. Winter is extremely dreary. How did I wind up in a car with five wrestlers and two coaches driving across the center of the country to a championship wrestling tournamnet?
I always thought I’d have my own children by now. I imagined spending Saturdays watching my own son and his teammates wrestle. I could list the failures that landed me here. The failed pregnancy when I was 22, the plethora of mistaken relationships, the poor choice of a career…
But I’m really looking to find positives lately. Despite my denial of hope and my lack of motivation to strive for change, I’ve been reaching deep inside and there are embers not quite drowned in the storms of life. I seem to be fresh out of fuel to make them burn. Despite my resistance and grumpiness, my mom is cultivating an orchard of, ideas that is as endless as the dreary winter view. Some days my unmotivated grumpy self can’t tolerate such fantasies. I’d rather be drowning in a bottle of liquor, trying to get off the bar stool at last call, so I can sleep next to a man who doesn’t want me because in those moments, I can pretend.
Who am I kidding? I can’t deny my sobriety. A glass or 3 of wine is hardly drowning in a bottle of liquor. I chose tp be with him because it wasa fantasy I needed. It’s mighty depressing that the best relationship I’ve had in the last decade was nothing but a lie.
I was supposed to look for positive things. An imaginary carrier pigeon landed on my shoulder with a liat of reminders. I applied for a promotion. Even if I don’t get it, my current job will be vastly different next year – in a good way. I got accepted to college to start a third degree in a completely different field. My mom wants to take me on a vacation. I think my mom would help me move back home if I chose to do that.
I feel like I am lost in a forest with various trails all leading away from this clearing I’m standing in. But each entrance ia changing – like an enchanted forest where the trees and rocks move – so every time I start toward one path, it looks completely different by the time I reach the entrance.
I wish one of those pigeons would bring me a map… Or at least descriptive inatructions on how to get out. At least then I wouldn’t be racing from one place to the next and my mind would relex enough to let me sleep through the night.
*I wish I knew how to find the link to the Scavenger Hunt on my phone so I could link to it.
** PS – please forgive spelling errors, my fingers don’t get along with my cell phone keyboard so well. But my mind was racing and I needed to write it out with the only writing tool I currently have in my possession.