I fell in love in 2015. This is significant because I have passed the age where I believe love stories happen to real people. I had lost faith, hope, and everything in between. It’s not that I didn’t believe somone would want me. There are men who ask me to dinner or something traditional like that and I go and…
Never feel anything. There’s no interest, no sexual attraction, no desire to tell him everything. In fact, I’d rather be sitting on my couch alone knitting. It’s always disappointing to prefer to be alone than with the man you’re on adate with.
Then something changed. Early September, 2015 I met a man in a park. I must have fallen immediately because once he asked me on our first date, there was no stopping myself. It was like spinning out on black ice. Even though I was in the driver seat, I had no control. I could cognitively picture the crash at the end of the death spin. But I couldn’t stop. So I spent September, October, November, and December spinning out of control while anticipating the wreck afterwards.
I promised myself I would end it before I left for Christmas. But I didn’t. It is the best relationship I ever had. I needed our last week… Our last night to be just as perfect as everything else. So I spent Christmas like always – just me and my mom. I spent New Year’s Eve on a friend’s couch in my PJs watching movies on Netflix and throwing the ball for her dog.
I have spent most of the last 2 weeks (my is that all the time that had passed?) sleepless. I have been in constant dilema about how and when to end this relationship. This is why I’m writing to you. Maybe if the words are pushed out, my mind will escape long enough to allow me some sleep.
I must end this sooner than later because every moment allows me to fall deeper in love. But I can’t stay in love with this man. You see? I have dreams! I’ve always wanted to be a wife and a mother. He can’t make that happen. You understand now? Do you understand why I must leave the man who had made love possible?
How can I be in love with a man who would prevent dreams from coming true?