15 November 2009

I know you don’t especially like to read, but I’m writing this for you in case I trip over myself and stick my foot in my mouth when I try to say it.  I also know you don’t particularly like to be confused by females – and I kinda left you that way tonight.  I’m sorry.  It’s just that I didn’t quite have things worked out in my own head, yet.

At any rate…

I don’t think this has anything to do with distance.  I believe you don’t want a long distance relationship.  I don’t think that’s the case here.  I say that because every time I’ve seen you, you have kissed me.  I’m not talking about the kisses I steal from you in the hallway.. I’m talking about the first time you kiss me.  There is a lot conveyed by the way you kiss a girl.  Unfortunately, this never lasts.  It feels like the longer I stay, the more you pull away.

I said I was going to continue to take whatever you give for as long as you will give it to me.  At first, I thought it was the excitement of getting to see you and the comfort and safety I feel in your arms, but that’s not it.  You’ve given me hope.  Somewhere among the consistency we’ve built, you give me the opportunity to feel things I’ve never thought I’d feel again.

I may be setting myself up to get hurt, but I know it’s worth it.  Such emotion, including pain, lets me know I’m alive.  We are both very controlled individuals, but at a point with emotions, I like to give up control to see where the chaos leads.  You’re the opposite – You slow down and switch into four-wheel drive, absorbing the impact of every rock along the way, while navigating the safest route…

Which brings me full circle to my original point:  I don’t think this is about distance.  We have both been seriously hurt by someone we trusted and opened our hearts to.  Settling into emotions is that will never be fully realized with someone who is physically unavailable to you because of distance is a safety mechanism.  Stopping yourself from feeling is a safety mechanism.

I’m willing to bet everything I have on the fact that neither of us wants to lose this friendship.  Sometimes that happens when deeper relationships fail. Naturally, when friendship within complicated feelings arises the issue of boundaries also arises.

In my opinion – coming from someone who believes order is only chaos in simplified terms – there is no need for anything further than what has already been said.  I hear you.  I’ve been hearing you!  I’ve read the fine print.  I fully understand the risks and complications. I fully assume any and all risks and complications.

Now, that being said – let go a little.  Allow yourself and myself to feel the excitement and the passion that comes from something that is forbidden to exist.  Enjoy it while it lasts, because if you won’t want it – if we don’t want it, then it’s not going to.  But at least you experienced it and you enjoyed it while you had it.

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