I still remember you… sunglasses on your head and that wicked awesome tattoo! I remember you… Your blonde, gelled hair. I remember you… Your sensationally enticing smile. I remember you… I remember the way you smelled. I remember you…Your touch. I remember you… I remember you inspired the good in me. I remember you… Your generosity was contagiously inspiring to all of your friends. I remember you… I remember your chameleon-paint Camaro. In a few days, it will be the 14 year anniversary of your death. I think about you… not all the time, but often enough every week. I remember you. The world has been forever unfairly cruel. It had no right to steal you. You were better than the rest of us. They described you as a “teen dedicated to helping others.” Even though you passed out of this world almost 14 years ago… remembering you brings tears to my eyes. I’ll never understand. I found what I wrote for you after the funeral. Is it enough you haven’t been forgotten?
I stare at the words above your name
There is a sickness in my stomach
that cannot be tamed.
Either I overdosed on adrenaline
or my tummy butterflies are crazy drunk.
Everything inside is about to come out
pain and sadness and anger
accompanied by the junk in my stomach
I focus on those words:
“In loving memory”
I try to see you happy
no pain, no sadness, no pills
no drama, no work, no bills
But you’re just a picture in my mind
I imagine you free from the world
No longer bound and confined
How selfish am I…
wanting you to come back to me.
Maybe if I just sleep through today
The angels won’t take you
My sickness will go away
I’ll see your face tomorrow when I wake
I can’t help but wonder, “What if…”
What if our choices were different?
Would I be safe, happy, perfectly content
lying in your arms tonight
instead of waiting at this endless red light?