5090 Days

I still remember you… sunglasses on your head and that wicked awesome tattoo!  I remember you… Your blonde, gelled hair.  I remember you… Your sensationally enticing smile.  I remember you… I remember the way you smelled.  I remember you…Your touch. I remember you… I remember you inspired the good in me.  I remember you… Your generosity was contagiously inspiring to all of your friends. I remember you… I remember your chameleon-paint Camaro.  In a few days, it will be the 14 year anniversary of your death.  I think about you… not all the time, but often enough every week.  I remember you.  The world has been forever unfairly cruel.  It had no right to steal you.  You were better than the rest of us.  They described you as a “teen dedicated to helping others.”  Even though you passed out of this world almost 14 years ago… remembering you brings tears to my eyes.  I’ll never understand.  I found what I wrote for you after the funeral.  Is it enough you haven’t been forgotten?

I stare at the words above your name

There is a sickness in my stomach

that cannot be tamed.

Either I overdosed on adrenaline

or my tummy butterflies are crazy drunk.

Everything inside is about to come out

pain and sadness and anger

accompanied by the junk in my stomach

I focus on those words:

“In loving memory”

I try to see you happy

no pain, no sadness, no pills

no drama, no work, no bills

But you’re just a picture in my mind

I imagine you free from the world

No longer bound and confined

How selfish am I…

wanting you to come back to me.

Maybe if I just sleep through today

The angels won’t take you

My sickness will go away

I’ll see your face tomorrow when I wake

I can’t help but wonder, “What if…”

What if our choices were different?

Would I be safe, happy, perfectly content

lying in your arms tonight

instead of waiting at this endless red light?

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